notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
Wow, I've really been enjoying how much folks are posting lately, not just my fest people but lj in general seems really active (qowf, I'm talking to YOU!). It's great getting the larger snippets of people's lives, bigger than a facebook status update or yet another tweet. And I keep wanting to write myself, but I'm such a ball of confusion these days that I have NO IDEA where to start.

So maybe here is the place: as it turns out, I am TERRIBLE at not having a schedule. Really. There's nothing in particular setting the pace of my days, which is leaving me way too much time to mope and dwell and fret and cry. This is NO GOOD. The thing is, all my deadlines are so far away that it seems ridiculous to take them seriously...and it's hot and miserable in my home, cold and dark and lonely in the library, and there's no FREAKING FURNITURE yet in the graduate student lounge where I planned to be spending my (non-scheduled) work days.

I know, it seems like a ridiculous thing to complain about, and that many of you would probably LOVE to be getting paid to contemplate and read and study. I totally know it's a luxury, unfortunately it seems to be one that's entirely incompatible with my personality. And so hard to go from 2 months of physical work done in community every freaking day, to lonely introverted time spent in front of my computer or at the library. And all of this is complicated by some very hard personal stuff, that feels like chaos comes walking up and sits on my chest a few times a day, pinning me into place.

So. Words of support are welcome, about how to get out of the stuck place, moving forward. I am TRYING to practice self-care and have been swimming some days, which helps.

Anyway. If you have some advice for me, about how to get myself motivated and rolling, I sure would love to hear it.


Aug. 23rd, 2010 03:59 pm
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
Hey, y'all. Too much shit in my head to recap fest right now, so I'm checking in with a fashion report...please play along (sugarmommaless, I'm talking to YOU!). I went to campus for a little paperwork and reorientation, so had to wear something other than a dirty slip (surprisingly hard to make choices!).

Today's wardrobe:

Black super lesbian tank top with labrys/moon/womyn's symbol on it. Just doesn't get any dykier, frankly.
Dark denim pencil skirt that was sexy tight before fest and now is loose and comfy.
Filthy shitkicker boots that I've been living in for two months, still crusted with dirt from the land.
Shorty little charcoal grey socks.
Hair in a knot on my head, favorite hairstick.
Much jewelry, the same I've been wearing all summer...could break out into actual accessories but probably not.
No pocket knife. No lipstick. No pen in my hair. Weird.

What about y'all? What're you wearing, and what are you wearing it for?
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
I came home from school today, because I was such a giant stressball (plus crohns yada yada) and wasn't feeling well. No summer job plus no news about summer grant plus end of semester madness adds up to no good for Fae.

and then the phone rang:

Phew. The census job just came through, and now I have income for May and June, which is great, because you know...gotta pay rent in July and August! It feels like a miracle, plus I just stepped down from being head ref for the roller derby (also stressful), so maybe I'll sleep well tonight. Here's to no more stress dreams and no more belly aches.

(edited to a job that's walking for 20 hours a week is sure to help with the sedentary problem. Yay for feeling more fit really soon.)
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
Two weeks from now, I'll be all done taking classes. Like, forever. Thank god.

Rant follows. Feel free to not read it.

I think one of the reasons I don't really update anymore is because I don't really have anything to say. Nothing's wrong exactly, it's just that my life is within these narrow boundaries: school, school, school, home, collapse. Try to read a little fiction for self care. Play in my tiny tiny garden. Love on my gf. I feel like my life is just on hold until the end of the semester. Busy, busy hold. So it seems like I just don't have anything of interest to share. No live journal, no phone calls...many many tiny little mindless fb updates.

Some days, it's everything I can do to go to campus. My master plan of finding more community was run over by life, the 5 (FIVE!) classes I'm taking, all of the outside of class work, and my need to have down time in my own house. I just don't have any energy for socializing, even though I know that I need some self care, some hanging out with people, some talking about ANYTHING that's not anthropology or graduate school, or whatever the next stupid anth grad student party I'm NOT going to is. Somehow, spending every day with 18-22 year old privileged Tulane students hasn't gotten any better. I hates them, and can't wait to not be spending my days sitting in classrooms with them and their Uggs and their short shorts that show their hipbones and their sorority tote bags. I need to get back with my people, where I feel cute and smart and (sometimes) fabulous.

Summer of 10: more fabulous. I need it.

All of this is not made better by this being the most sedentary year of my life, ever. Hands down. Between the huge work load and the uterus surgery and the pnuemonia and the busy, there's been a lot of sitting around. And while I'm totally okay with being heavier, I'm unhappy that lots of my favorite clothes don't fit, and I'm SURROUNDED by people eating fat free yogurt and complaining that they're "FAT" all the freaking time. I think I'd feel a lot better if I was actually getting some exercise, but my schoolday starts at 7am, and by the time I'm through the work and home for the day I'm too tired to do anything.

The good news is this is all about to change. Even when I get back from the longest lesbian summer ever, I get to have a lot more control over my schedule, and will work social time and exercise in. I swear.

So anyway, that's what's up with me. I'm stressed and whiny and sedentary. Two more weeks.
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
...but it's spring break, and I've got a little free time for a change, so I'm going whack out a lovely bullet point list. As I do, however infrequently.

3 things I'm excited about:
1) I have less than a month of taking classes left. Ever. Whoa.
2) My favorite fluevog boots are coming back from the boot doc with restitching, new heels and a lovely shine.
3) My garden is AWESOME this year (so far). I've got peas, kentucky pole beans, spinach, eggplant, lots of herbs and flowers, and two weird upside down tomato plants, all doing great. They're my babies. I LOVE gardening, even in my little container garden.

3 things freaking me out:
1)omg, less than a month of taking classes. Then two months of fieldword this summer, then writing like 8 grants, then studying for comps and orals. Think I'm non-communicative NOW? Just wait.
2) Still no job for May and June. I applied for the census, and that might work out, and there's a slim chance of more work at the women's center this year, but nothing definite. I hate not having a plan.
3) It's almost buckmoth caterpillar season. You remember, the cute fuzzy caterpillars that fall out of trees into your clothing and sting people?

3 things I'd like to purchase, if I end up with a job:
1) a pair of cute comfortable sandals with good support and no heel. All my heeled ones are spending the summer in a box under the futon. Maybe by next year they won't hurt anymore. I love these: (cheaper on ebay, of course)
2) a pendant watch, for fest this year, where I will be ACing again. I really needed a watch last year, and I have a habit of dunking the wrist ones into water, then they don't work.
3) A really good haircut to make some long layers around my face. I THINK. Or maybe not. I love that I can get it all up in a bun now...but it would be nice to have a little more style.

And also, in a category of its own, my KID is doing so GOOD! He's still going to therapy, and his internship has turned into a PAID JOB, and his company just had an article written about them for the paper, and he's finally (I THINK) on a path. Plus, he's coming to visit next month. It will be great to have a visit without hard horrible stuff to work through. Phew.

Anyway, that's what's up with me, more or less. What about you?

notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)

Last night, we went to Mississippi (gulfport) for a roller derby bout with Henry and Amelia, who are here visiting, and it was pretty damn fun.  The free beer didn't hurt (except for this morning)...but overall I highly recommend them for a short road trip.

AND.  Afterward, we went to the Camelia Grill and had burgers and ruebens followed by PECAN PIE heated ON THE GRILL and topped with a scoop of ice cream.  This is definitely going on my 'perfect food' list, and I think y'all should have it too.

(I know, not long and in-depth, but HEY, I'm updating, right?)

In other news, the still-pathless kid's internship at the web design firm is now billable hours, so he starts getting paid. Which, you like being on a path.  He's still struggling, but going to therapy and getting paid is such a VAST improvement.  I couldn't be more freaking happy.

<end procrastination break>
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
Plan A: ride scooter to school and Plan B: don't wear pants anymore are in conflict.

Buy some freaking leggings so you don't flash ANOTHER 20 blocks of traffic on the way home.

68 degrees and beautifully sunny here today, and while I'm getting the stupid death cold that's going around, it felt grand and springy to be scootering in the sunshine.  We need a rear basket, though, so my bookbag isn't dragging me off balance, and the flashing problem doesn't work for me.  Neither does the stripped screw on the right rear-view mirror.  Overall, though, good times.

I hope it's lovely wherever you are, too!
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
Is it weird that I think I look super cute, with my hair up in rag rollers?  Because I do.


Jan. 1st, 2010 11:07 pm
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
the year in review:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Presented at a national conference, went on a cruise, ate iguana, helped to coord Galz.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
BSC had a lovely son.

3. What countries did you visit?
Mexico, Honduras, Belize.  I DIDN'T go to Canada, and would like to this year very very much.

4. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More real connection with people in the town I live in.  Better communication with my kid.  Less crazy health stuff.

5. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I got straight a's in grad school, and convinced my kid that therapy might be a good idea.  I had a lot of help with both of these.

6. What was your biggest failure?
Not doing very well at parenting from 5 states away.  Also I get my feelings hurt too easily and would like that to be different.

7. Did you suffer illness or injury?
This was the year with THREE rounds of biopsies, which was three way too many.  I had a bad flare of crohns in the spring, had some polyps removed, broke my foot at festival, had crazy painful uterine polyps in the fall and found out I have a cluster of cysts in my left boob in December.  I'd like next year to be less nuts with health stuff, while at the same time honoring the fact that much of that was really freaky, but in the long run I'm just fine.

8. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought a bikini.  I've never owned one, and I wore it in public.  Oh, god, and I <3 my kindle more than I can say.

9. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My lovely girlfriend, who holds me up, cracks me up, and loves me even when I'm crazy or sad or overwhelmed.  I'm super blessed. 

10. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't have an appalled, but there's been some really hard moments with the offspring that made me feel pretty depressed and frustrated.  We're moving through it, though.  It's what you do NEXT that's important.

11. Where did most of your money go?
Rent.  Food.  Car insurance.  A bit too much on Kindle books.

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Charles coming to visit.  Finishing the semester(s).  Going to fest.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I never know what to say for these.

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? sadder but not terribly.  it's just been a hard week.
II. thinner or fatter? fatter.
III. richer or poorer? about the same

15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
self-care that isn't reading or cooking

16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hurting, freaking out.

17. How will you be spending Christmas?
we saw a Sherlock Holmes, and my lovely gf gave me wonderful pictures.  Some of you are in them.

18. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

19. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I've been in love since 2004 and it's still freaking awesome.

20. How many one-night stands?
I don't do one-night stands.  I'm a friend-fucker.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try hard not to hate people.

23. What did you want and get?
Further through my grad program. 

24. What did you want and not get?
My kid to be on a path and happier. 

25. What was your favorite film of this year?
Julie and Julia, probably. 

26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 42, and I ate about a million po'boys.

27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Figuring out how to help my kid, or to relax about the times that I couldn't.  More real connection with people.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
skirts boots and cleavage

29. What kept you sane?
reading, cooking, loving

30. Who did you miss?
Lauren and Andy
the derby city rollergirls

31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you earned in 2009.
It's not enough to have change...gotta be positive change.
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
and while I don't go in much for resolutions, I WOULD like to manifest these things in my life for the next year so I'm writing them out loud:

1) feeling more integrated into this ridiculous graduate school program.

2) figuring out how to parent better from a distance.

3) stop complaining about not feeling connected in new orleans, and DO something about it. Like, I dunno, asking folks out for coffee.

4) get more exercise. Fall 2009, with the broken foot, crazy uterus, school is nuts was no good for physical health. More roller skating, so I can eat more bacon.

5) One night a week with no damn tv. Either doing something out in the world or talking or playing games. Maybe hitting up scrabble tuesdays. Or knitting with people.

6) 2010 may be the year I officially give up on jeans. They NEVER look cute on me. I'm gonna wear stuff that makes me feel cute, and if that means I wear skirts pretty much all the time (instead of most of the time), then that's just fine.

What about y'all? New Years intentions anyone?
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, notyourmama2 sent to me...
Twelve queers drumming
Eleven femmes piping
Ten dorks a-leaping
Nine books knitting
Eight tattoos a-sleeping
Seven butches a-spinning
Six girls a-reading
Five bla-a-a-ack boots
Four radical queers
Three expensive shoes
Two home-grown tomatoes
...and a sm in a roller derby.
Get your own Twelve Days:
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
...and why I'm not updating:

This is it. Second to the last semester of classes. 27 days till final paper. See you in a month.
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
So you know, I had my heart set on a bikini for the cruise, even though I'll be 42 and I'm a size 14, and you know.  Whatever.  I want one.

Finding one, however, was more challenging than I thought it would be.  Most companies that make cute little skirted bikinis decidedly DO NOT make them in a size 14.  My best option was Lands End, which makes good suits and you can buy them as separates, and they're not unflattering.  However, each of the pieces is like 40 bucks, and while I wanted a bikini, I totally did not want to spend 80 bucks getting one.  Online, when it might not fit.

But.  I ended up finding this company that's sportwear owned by Gap or Old Navy (it's linked to both of their websites) and I'm sure that means it's owned by some super big horrible conglomerate, HOWEVER, they make really cute swimsuit separates in women's sizes, with tops that are fitted like bras.  So I took a plunge, ordered one, and hoped for the best.

And it came the other day, and it's totally cute and well made and fits me great. And anyway, so I wanted to share it with you, because some of you are also in-betweenie sized (juniors don't fit, women's sizes are strange, plus might be too big).  The company's called Athleta, and swim tops go up to DD, which is grand.

Swimwear is here: ; I bought the sun swirl bikini top and matching skirt. 

And you know, I'm going on a cruise.  In the morning.

notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
1) have I told you how well the offspring is doing???? 
Because he started graphic art school in September, and he loves it and is really happy, and thus is calling me regularly and being really present and happy.  Did I say he was happy?  Because he is.  And he's making friends there !?! and also he got offered an internship AND talked his dad into letting him take a 'job that doesn't pay anything' except it WILL in 2 months if it works and and did I mention that he's HAPPY?  So employed and in school and out of crisis and whoa, moving toward adulthood. 

Dude.  I CAN'T EVEN SAY how good this is.  And he's coming to visit for a week during his break then we'll drive up together back to L'ville for a visit, which is grand.

Please be assured that even the weirdly punctuated giant run-on sentences above do not adequately convey how freaking happy these events make me.  Picture me jumping up and down and flipping in circles.  With glitter spraying out of my pores.  Really.

2) We're going on a cruise in a week.  Again whoa.  And while I'm overwhelmed with schoolwork so that I can go and hang out with Dinah Shore lesbians and also Heron on a boat in the Caribbean, I'm getting pretty excited.  While it's totally unlike Michigan, it does have the qualities of being unplugged for a week and surrounded by lesbians, both of which are good.  Of course, there's a tropical storm right on our path.  Whatever.

And I bought a bikini over the internet AND it fits AND it's pretty cute on me.  Which is practically a miracle.


I also dropped my very fancy expensive new phone in the toilet at school, while trying to manage a big bag of books in a very tiny stall.  Fell right out of my bag.  It's currently experiencing dehydration in a container of dry rice.  I think most of it will come back, but the touch screen didn't work this morning.  Keep your fingers crossed. 

Overall, though, that's a little thing compared to !happy kid!.

(edited to add...)

Oh!  And I had to watch the documentary "the business of being born" today for a class, and I think you should all go watch it.  It's on Netfix and you can stream it.  I feel really lucky to have two great women in my life who are both studying to be midwives and I TOTALLY cried during this movie thinking of them, and also of BSC and Oliver who are about to have this amazing experience together.

Now that's really all.
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
What're you wearing today/tonight?

Personally, although I might still try to work up a gay alien for our friend Jen's porch sitting extravaganza tonight, it's likely that I'll just clip on some fuzzy ears and roll with it.  However, I'm curled up in delicious fall comfy clothes, so I have a decent fashion check in for the day.

Brown striped socks
Brown and black striped cut off leggings (like those baby crazy legs, but for adults)
Olive green jersey am apparel skirt (the ones that are sideways rectangles and drapey on the sides ((I know, so 4 years ago, but it's cute and comfy so I don't care)
Brown v-necked long sheer tshirt that C gave me two summers ago
Thin rust cardi from Target that has tiny ruffles along the edge
Sock monkey slippers
and my current favorite hairdo, two buns where I would have antennae, if I did, which I don't

What about you?  Fabulous costume?  Comfy cuddle clothes?  Both?

notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
...because today is mostly about getting caught up on reading, I swear.  

Here's a fast shot of the ripening meyer lemons on my birthday tree:

I think they're going to be ripe by my birthday!  Hooray!  And we have 31 of them, which is quite a lot for our spindly little potted tree.  And our herbs are still growing great, and I have a new crop of radishes that are almost ready.  The Kentucky/Louisiana pole beans all got eaten by caterpillary leaf-tent building bugs.

What are all of you growing?  Huh?

Garden check in.

and also

Oct. 27th, 2009 11:34 am
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
why do I only write in my lj when I don't feel well?  It seems like some kind of weird medical narcissism sometimes.  But really it's just that you all are the people I tell about the hard stuff.  

Needs more balance, though.

I'll post something good in a few days, I swear.
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
I am no longer amused by all the weird shit my body does.  We're on the way back to the hospital for day two.  [personal profile] orangegrrl_nola has the update on what's going on, and I don't feel well enough to rewrite it.

notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
So M and I have been enjoy "America's got Talent".  It's our secret guilty pleasure and tonight is the finale.

David Hasselhoff is one of the judges, and he's ridiculous.  Everything that comes out of his mouth, the way they refer to him as "the Hoff", his over the top performance of strangely compelling tv fake masculinity, the gay love song that one of the contestants sang about him in the auditions, everything. 

He's totally a caricature of himself.

And tonight, he's wearing a shiny satin vest and tie, and a fedora that SPARKLES.  So of course, we've recristened him "Sparklehoff", I'm joking that it's my new favorite exclamation.  Just try it:


Good, no?

So we're laughing about it, and I let the dog go pee out front, and she's all excited, and so I, of course, sort of quietly shout "sparklehoff" at her.

Except, I haven't noticed that the neighbor girl is standing right there.  

It's too much to explain, and probably only funny to me...I'm sure she thinks I'm a wacko.
notyourmama2: red-haired woman with sheep (Default)
I miss my kid wretchedly.  It's worse when I'm hormonally unstable.

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